endorphin rush she loved...

watabus @ 2007-01-16T01:33:00

2007-01-16T01:33:35Z

beware the ides of march.

ps when is spring break?

Afrin is my friend

2006-11-29T16:20:45Z

no more school for me. not in this lifetime i beleive. i beleive i might go to work for my stepfather at the mountain he works at. save up money, then move back and possibly put my foot in the door as to what i want to do with my life. i have a friend whom i beleive would be a great partner in this field of work. eh who knows as to what awaits me outside this house.

"Here i stand in three feet of snow..."

2006-11-20T21:56:58Z

so i've been thinking a lot lately. maybe i am what i dont think i am. i think i need to detatch myself from the world around me. my psychology teach taught me about different kinds of how the mind thinks. and i fell under the catagory of the person who could care less about himself and cares too much about the world around him. i fear i am the uncanny definition of that person. i almost find that i am blinded by it to the point where i can't see the bad things in people. i mean i recently found out that someone i cared a lot about just threw me to the curb and me being me didn't realize it untill i had someone else tell me. maybe i am too nice. and maybe i need to start telling people including ones i am friendly with that i've got a piece of mind they should hear. roughen up and start stepping on people who have stepped on me.
i recently found something. more specifically on my uncle's bathroom floor in a drunken babble. at least im not sure if it was due to the fact that i was drunk. hopefully it was as real as it should be. it really helped me piece together something i almost abandoned trying to figure out. i mean we're friends but i know theres something else there. im pretty sure she feels the same. but the circumstances of it right now would imediately break it. shes weird to me. she really got under my skin and i hated it for so long. i honestly thought i was getting delusional at one point. with the dreams and so on. i had at first beleived that i was too attached to her. but when it wouldn't go away after we stop talking to each other she still lingered in my unconcious mind. what happened happened. and if it were to happen again i think i would do something she'd never see coming. and hopefully it would let her understand what i am.
on an unrelated topic, i'll be stuck in my uncle's house till january (coincidentally i will be stuck in vt for the same amount of time). hopefully all will go according to plan and seanathan with join me for the snow season.

oh yes i wrote something the other day i thought quite nifty. the ending lines are
"...and i am punished in this three feet of snow"

Marking the east for the west to conquer...

2006-10-31T19:38:16Z

i've been tinkering around on my drum machine a lot of late. i want to teach myself piano... wrong idea considering the keys are 1/4 the size of a real piano and there are less keys on it. wrote lyrics to a song i created called O.F.C. i based it on my jealousy toward I.F. and how i was so falsely seen by a fellow bandmate. thinking back i feel so childish about my actions. i feel i should of stepped up and forceably made things right, but instead i feel like i let it slip through my fingers... almost as if i did it on purpose. its strange. after any significant event in your life if you think about it for long enough after the initial event, you have different outlooks on it. i've noticed it has occured with many other subjects in my life.
i beleive i need to start my day job soon. i have too much time to myself. i got lost in the woods yesterday and after 2 hours i finally got back home and felt somewhat unaccomplished. i enjoyed it, dont get me wrong. but afterward i had a feeling come over me as if i had wasted 2 hours of my life for no reason. its like i want to escape from something thats not there, or even myself. i dispise some of my own views in life. almost sckitzophranicly. like theres two entities fighting over whats right and wrong in my life. i must be that lonely that i fight with myself to keep me company.
my dreams of going to chicago don't look too good at the moment. prices are soaring and my pocket is empty. i juts want to go somewhere. get away from my family for a while. i think thats why i cherish so much every trip to jersey. i stay with friends and just enjoy everything. though im already losing track of people and it sucks a lot. i leave messages and don't get called back. which really reinforces my feeling that i abandoned everyone by moving here. i know its wrong to think it but it adds up to be true in my mind. i miss a friend terribly that moved to new hampshere. she was my best female friend i had for a while. i haven't seen her in almost a year. i don't even know if the number i have is still her number today cause i dont get an answer. my friend from california seeming abandoned me after he found a girlfriend. i send him messages but never get anything back. seanathan, carly and sir stash have held true and i love them to death for it. any calls or contacts brighten my day by 200%.

i've been listening to this song a lot lately. i feel its very suiteable for this time in histroy

Home

everything is catching up with me
i awake to find im not at all where... i should be
and it feels, im getting to the end
and its all to figure out whats real and whats... pretend

to break from what we're tied to
god knows how much i've tried to
and i am still inside you...

i escape every now and then
and to think
i find myself back here, again...
...and again

now you should know how i was before you came along
i return to the only place
i've ever felt that i belong

to break from what we're tied to
god knows how much i've tried to
and i am still inside you...
-NIN

past present

2006-10-19T02:07:21Z

i found my old journal today. it dates back to 7th grade. i find it really juvenile when i read it almost to a point where i hate myself then. i wonder what it would be like meeting your pastself face to face. i know that me then wouldn't be too freaked out cause back then i would always fantasize about it too. i told myself then that if it were to ever happen i would be prepared and would listen to every word i would have to say. strange how the mind works sometimes.
i've been writing a fictionaly story in my english class lately. i find myself to be too into it. my prof. said to make it 3 pages no more. unfortunately im on page 6. i don't know why but it seems so fluent to me while im making it. its called "the mind of an unsingle man". the name is supposed to confuse the reader because its sort of the same confusion the protagonist feels. i like it so far. i had started on it a long time ago but i felt it had misdirection written all over it so i abandoned it. this version is a bit different though, it has the same idea but i feel i defined it more this time around than last.

i wish i could be a writer. but then again i'd rather not make millions after i die like so many others.

watabus @ 2006-09-17T20:34:00

2006-09-18T00:37:14Z

so im in vermont now... and today i put my tooth through my lower lip. so now i have a new hole in my face

go me!

watabus @ 2006-07-30T03:58:00

2006-07-30T08:00:34Z

blarghafata i want to draw a picture on here. but lj doesn't have that. this saddens me

ATTACK OF THE KILLER TERPINTINE PIRATES!!!!!!

2006-04-26T02:51:17Z

so last night i had a dream where...

SHE GRABBED ME HARD
AROUND MY COCK
AND I BROKE OUT
LIKE I HAD THE CHIKENPOX

then i ate some chunky monkey ice cream with some peanut m&ms.... because i can :)

watabus @ 2006-03-18T17:29:00

2006-03-18T22:37:03Z

so yea on friday my dad had an almost heart attak in front of me. it was a bit freaky and i didnt beleive him when he told me. then he sorda stopped moving and talking... so then i thought maybe something is up. he told me to get him a cold wet rag so i did. when i put it on his head he mumbled "call 911". right then i was like... "shit" while i was dialing i started to tremble. i was confused because mentally everything was ok and not hectic, it was like my body knew something was wrong and was telling me through my body. when the ambulence came i felt a bit of releif because i had no idea what to do to a heart attack victim. went to the hospital and found out everything was ok but his medication was fucking with him badly.

strange tho.... the whole time i never not even once thought about him dieing as if i didn't care or something fucked like that.

i question myself

sneeaky

2006-03-15T17:27:20Z

i just was talking to chad before. chad. yea wow chad thats nuts.he used to be in mvm who was awsome. he like got into this band thats semi- big and sorda fell off the face of the earth i haven't seen him since revenge of the sith came out in theaters. hes out in manhattan studying music engineering. and he was asking me questions about my band and stuff. he was giving me props and such... and chad is like my undisputed hero from my town that inspired me to skateboard for x amout of years and was in mvm which i dearly loved. what an ego booster. :)

oh yea i was surfing and found a picture from the webster hall shows with msi and i found my hat in one. it was a "wheres waldo sort of thing" but cool none the less.

http://img234.imageshack.us/img234/1337/msi6mq.png

watabus @ 2006-03-05T23:27:00

2006-03-06T04:32:04Z

i made some waffles today. after i cut into the seconded one i bit a piece and felt what tasted like a toothpick. i took it out of my mouth and examined it and cut into the piece more to find it was a dirty q tip....

momentarily after the discovery i proceeded to get the rest of what i had already consumed out... that wasn't good :(

Ouchies on my wowchies

2005-12-20T16:59:16Z

this cigarrete is taking too long to light
its been almost 7 minutes now
my thumb is growing weary and numb
i try
and try
and try
i suck it in and hold my breathe
but still it doesn't light
i begin to wonder if this pain in my thumb is actually worth it
is this cigarrete going to be that good?
is it really going to make me forget the trouble i had getting it?

....but wait whats this?!?!
a cherry has formed!
salvation!
i close my eyes and take a well deserved drag

... but alas i scream in agony
for the most lovely cherry i so dearly desired...

has fallen in my lap

cold and lonely on the wrong side of the border

2005-12-13T16:35:05Z

after a night of a lot of hard thought and liquor i beleive i've come to the conclusion that life indeed wants me to write the saddest story of a miserable man cursed to live alone in a little house atop a mountain with only his thoughts to keep him sane and company but then he finds a dog in the woods and this is no ordinary dog no its a stray dog named filbert that can sing when he barks and the man takes the dog in and shelters it and teaches the dog to harness it's singing abilities and then they went to jersey and made it big and got many friends and money and nothing else mattered anymore to them and they were happy the end.

are you happy life?

so....

2005-12-03T21:25:47Z

in my dream last night you were sick as a dog and you called me up and asked if i could bring you some chicken noodle soup. i had this huge "spiritual" adventure where i met different characters and they gave me advice in helping me find my way to you. a squirrel, a penguin and a cd player. the squirrel told me that i had to listen to you with not only my ears but my eyes. then he sent me down a dirt road which i walked for a while and then as i was walking the dirt road became covered in snow and a penguin slid up to me. he told me that i had to keep the bowel of soup in tact and not to lose a drop of it otherwise you'd shatter. then my journey became very slow moving as i walked with the apt most carefulness. when i finally got to your house i rang the doorbell but it didn't work. as i looked around i noticed your house was pretty empty almost abandoned like. i became impatient and called your name constantly. i grew frustrated that i came all that way to find out that you were not there so i threw the bowel to the ground and began to walk off. just then my favorite cd player (the one that fell apart and somehow worked still) rolled up in front of me and asked what i was doing. i told him about what i just did and how i came to give you the soup but you were not home. the cd player looked at me (at least i think he did) and said "that bowel of soup was carly... you were just bringing her home"

overly enthusiastic turkey days

2005-11-23T00:01:02Z

headed to vertmont tommorow on a 4 hour adventure alone in my stepdad's truck cause all my friends have families to attend to during thanksgiving but i hate my family and my family hates me so im stowing away to my uncles for the weekend to avoid a huge family orientated nightmare that may happen if i show up at my fathers...

family drama is the absolute fucking worst drama cause they stay with you all your life and remind you of that time you got into a fight during xmas or thanksgiving just to start a new one like a bunch of vultures picking at a corpes.

yea im done

Adding to the fire

2005-11-07T21:16:27Z

yarg. so yea there was another girl again, almost same situation. it was like i was about to walk through the door and then she slammed it on my fingers and im left with a WTF pain. ivan's-month-afterhisbirthday party was dam good. i got comatose drunk. was put in the back of a pick up truck and was driven down rt. 17 at like 80 mph just to go to mc donalds (twice that night) and get food. soo much wine it wasn't funny.

strung along like a toy train

2005-09-08T17:24:56Z

yep my assumptions were true :) i hate when im right cause it pisses me the fuck off.

been a while

2005-09-03T17:48:20Z

its been a while since i wrote in this thing. a whole summer has past. not too sure what i accomplished except for quiting my job and meeting new people. i've had one hell of a time with sean and ryan during a few select nights with them that were beyond fun. i also met up with karen whom i haven't seen in a long time. we went out to numerous cafes and diners and also had one hell of a time. there was also my birthday... one of the absolute best in my life. it started off with me hanging out with a good friend named dan. i stayed at his house for the night and we chilled and played doom 3 all night. the next morning his mother gave me a "birthday muffin". that was awsome. i forgot what it felt like getting a cake on my birthday. i thank her/him for that dearly. after the breakfast with dan i went home to prepare for the three nights in a row seeing msi at webster hall in nyc all weekend long. sean and i just couldn't beleive how amazing each night was. the openers for the first night were not in our perspective a likeable band (i even forgot the name of them) but then suicide city came on next and they fucking rocked the stage like no other opening band i've seen before. and msi was also awsome that night. due to an explicit incident (but memorable) sean still turns his head in shame. sean is saddened by his experience of seeing jimmy urine's penis on stage... i personally didn't mind and niether did midori and we laughed along with a bunch of other fans. speaking of which the fans were amazing. helping up anyone who fell talking and joking around with any and everyone they saw.

the next night had more people than lastand the opener was really fun. MC chris cam on stage and stole the show immediately. i've listened to some of his stuff previously and loved it. the whole crowd immediatly got into it and was dancing/singing along the whole time. me dan, mika, sean, karen and nick all had a blast. during i hate jimmy page (my favorite song they play live) dan and I ripped out shirts off and went absolutly insane. everyone around us enjoyed our insane antics till the show finally ended. i met up with chris dean (a fellow work associate) and talk to him for a little bit after the show. afterwards i drove everyone home (got lost and had a lot of fun). not to mention sean, dan, mika, and i all went into my hot tubto relax afterwards.

sunday's show kicked off immediatly and the crowd was huge. i met up with "Captin black" (her real name is still a mystery to me (as is mine to her))whom i met at the saratoga winners show back in april. didn't see much of her during the show tho. kenny muhammid came on first and wow.... just wow... he is a living breathing drum machine. all he had was a mic and his noises he made. that kept the entire crowd entertained for a good while. during the show i saw this amazing female a few feet across the crowd. we looked at each other a bunch of times, but never for too long. she seemed to be alone in the crowd. but i wasn't sure about it so i backed off for a little bit. then the show is the rainbow came on. they had this mini stage in the middle of the floor they made and put there. but no one ever saw them before so no one knew what to expect. then this ugly hairy chunky nerdy guy came out and be gan talking to his projector. i thought to myself eh i guess thats pretty neat. but then this strange music came on and he jumped onto his little stage and began to sing this really awkward song. i was standing right next to the stage and couldn't help but look up at him in awe. "just wow, what the fuck is this guy thinking?" i wasn't sure if i was gonna piss my pants due to him being hilarious or him getting beat up by some kids in the crowd. i just stood there with the blankest look on my face. i looked at one of the security guards and he was doing the same thing as i and said "i am so not paid enought to deal with this shit" and walked off. after a song or two i went to the singer and asked if he would wear my hat... he tried.... but his head was too big. i felt bad for him and went back to standing in awe. then as i looked across his little stage i saw her again. we made some more eye contact. i moved towards her in hope for a nice confrontation. but she slowly dissapeared into the crowd i looked but had no luck and gave up and tried to enjoy the rest of the show.
things really really picked up after msi took the stage and i was thrown to the front of the crowd. everyone went beserk again (as did I). i was knocked to the floor about 20 times that set. and during the second song she appeared right next to me dancing, sweating and going as crazy as me. i stopped, looked and said "wow that girl is awsome". then we started to dance together. she helped me up numerous times after i fell which i thanked her repeatedly. in return i kept picking up her bra strap that kept falling down so she wouldn't be exposing to anyone. then half way through we got seperated by a few people. she noticed immediatly and fought her way back to my side where we danced in each others arms for the remainder of the time. then it came on. i don't know how or why. but they played my favorite song off tight. i've never heard of them playing it since the the 200 tour but they did and i went bonkers. her and i had an absolute blast. i went to her ear during the song and said "thanks for saving me before, by the way my name is tyler". she turned with a huge smile on her face and said "no problem, my name is Holly". after that bitches came on. i guess i was distracted by the band cause when i turned she was in the distance of the crowd making her way to the back. i tried to chase her. but never found her. it was sorda depressing that i only got her name out of the deal but we weren't really together for long. sean shunned me a bit and i accepted it knowing i was a complete dumbass about it.
we were about to leave when "captin black" interviened with me. she offered an invite for sean and I to some party on top of a skyscraper with many girls and much alcohol. i was thrilled to go and so was sean at first so we followed them a few blocks down the street. but sean got scetched out by it being in brooklyn and us most likly getting lost and mugged and killed on our way back at 2 in the morning piss drunk. not to mention he had work at 8 am. so we had a little pep talk about it and decided not to got. "captin black's" friend was this pyschotic girl who went beserk on us for bailing on them. "captin black realized our situation and understood the situation so we departed nicly on the corner of 12th and 11th st.
while walking back sean and i almost beat the shit outta each other for us turning down the party invite. when we got back to the car we laughed and shook it off and went home.

what a weekend

watabus @ 2004-12-27T01:07:00

2004-12-27T06:08:02Z

im cold :(

jebus christ almighty .... bean child!

2004-10-13T23:18:23Z

stolen from neco

[x] I ____ Tyler.
[x] Tyler is ____.
[x] If I were alone in a room with Tyler, I would ____.
[x] I think Tyler should ____.
[x] Tyler needs ____.
[x] I want to ____ Tyler.
[x] Tyler can ____ my ____.
[x] Someday, Tyler will ____.
[x] Tyler reminds me of ____.
[x] Without Tyler ____.
[x] Tyler can be ____.
[x] Tyler makes me ____.
[x] ____ is how I describe Tyler.
[x] Tyler's best feature is ____.
[x] Worst thing about Tyler is ____.
[x] Best thing about Tyler is ____.
[x] The best thing i've ever done with Tyler is ____.
[x] Favorite quote by Tyler is ____.

so long

2004-10-09T19:59:18Z

wow here i am again typing on the internet weeeeeeeeeee(gay)eeeeeeeee. i got promoted today! to produce! anyway chad imed today and told me that he was playing at CBGBS.... holy shit. cbgbs, thats insane. yea he told me to go but i can't cause its on a monday and i got work and school :( but its an audition so that means he'll play again there if he makes the audition. so im like... BAM IM GOING DAMMIT.

new shit

2004-09-18T00:33:19Z

ya i got a new computer ya
my mom is being a bitch about it tho "no games" wtf? she says that they fuck up computers... and yet she has games on her computer and it runs perfectly fine. hmmmmm anyway yea school started and its cool and stuff but uh yea i got band practice tommorow and work...

wedding bells and upsetting smells

2004-08-23T14:13:02Z

so i went to my aunts wedding, joy. i cut my hair for that dam thing. and the only fun i had was eating which i don't even like. but yea there was 293478109341 amount of people there that i didn't know. and one women came up to me and asked if i liked the swinging oldies? i said yea kinda (i guess a little too sarcasticly) and then she gave me a dirty look and said "ok i'll leave you alone now". wow made me feel like an ass. you see thats why i don't like those things. i was supposed to go to a dfd show last night at knitting factory but when i was at work my fucking back and neck went into some kind of shock and i was in so much fucking pain you have no idea. so i told my mom to call nick and tell him i wasn't going halfway throuh work and when i got home i took five advils and passed out on my couch for like three hours. and i haven't taken a shower yet :( i have to "watch" my great aunt. well i guess i can see why cause a year ago she got a black eye from a door knob(yes you heard right a godam door knob) i guess it sucks being that old (96) and needing other people to help to and from the bathroom everyday. shes so miserable too. she flat out told my mom that she wants to die. how sad is that. my mom has never been this upset about anything since her mother died. wtf mate? to end on a good note ITS MONDAY!!! and im going to the movies with heather mika and sean hopefully. yay

peace, war, and all that nasty shit inbetween

watabus @ 2004-08-20T11:21:00

2004-08-20T15:23:04Z

im not sure anymore at the moment anymore about my play. i think i wanna wait untill i get older and some how make it a movie. (unlikely) but yea no one who is interested will even even see this so yea.

more fun this summer had i

2004-08-19T14:01:43Z

HOLY MOOSE SHIT! i saw heather and jo and sean and ryan and i got a car and my liscencse and i saw GABE!!! HOLY GREEN ACRES!!! HE LIKE FUCKING DISAPEARED IN THE MIDDLE EAST RIGHT AFTER 8TH GRADE AND MADE HARDLY ANY CONTACT. but yea it was awsome. i miss that fucker. it was great we got lost going to palasaides. we pulled my handbrake really hard and skidded out and fix our computers and made that awsome song ("oh dad please raise the gas price a a cent or two so we may eat tonight" and then some random arabic swearing) lmao. i went to heathers b day party (which reminds me that i haven't had mine yet :(
but anyway it was very very fun i saw many people and tackled a few more. the food me and christe got was great espescially getting there and back. kris and me as seaboat captains on heathers raging river behind her house. and then i almost sank it the second run heh. me and heather had some "sex" lol it tasted pretty good. i went to six flags too! me and heather had a blast except on the wooden roller coaster where whe got shook up a lot. and viper, i think i hurt my neck on that beast. i saw the village with alina and meg. some funny shit if u ask me. "the bad color" "the safe color" "those we do not speak of" and orgasming over a wall. lmao. then i lost my wallet. fuck. that sucked. i saw heather again last night and i hung with sean and michelle too (im sry if i fucked up ur name just there i kno i suck) we went to ekard and this guy set off the metal detector right in front of a cop. hahaha. but yea then we went to the cold stone and waited for like an hour to get the coldest fucking ice cream ever i had. im hungry damit. i need some capin crunch gooday all.